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Realization... [28 Sep 2011|11:30pm] [ mood | morose ] Helo Journal, It's been awhile. I unno, guess haven't had much to blog. However, I did feel as though this was something I wanted to talk about. Recently, my mom had moved out to go up north with my dad and I am living alone with my siblings. And honestly that is completely fine and dandy but than I came to a point of realization when talking to my sister last night. Last night, Kayla was telling me all of her major plans she had for her future. She had decided that for a way to make money on the side she wanted to become a lawyer. And than it just got super intense as she countinued to go on about how things were with our family life. First, how my parents are helping her and my aunt financially to get to her goals and such. And of course my brother who also wants to go to school and become something. Which these are all great things, but than I realize the rut that comes to the bane of my existance... Even if people end up going to school, we have to be able to find a way to pay for the house and bills in the mean time. And if Alex or Kayla drop down to part time (Kayla doesn't really pay rent anyways). Than, unfortunately I honestly don't think we could afford even living in the house that we are. Thus, for some odd reason I feel as though I am almost obligated to be the one to step up to the plate. Sure, I do want to go to school and know where I am going. Hell, I would love to go to become a teacher or a social worker. But because the way things are set up at the moment, it just doesn't seem achieveable. I know both my parents are wanting to be supportive and such and try to get us in right directions... but honestly I don't think we could do that. Mainly cause my family has NEVER had very much money to begin with. We aren't in poverty, but we aren't exactly rolling in the big bucks either. We have a small little house, that has bills. Plus there are our groceries that are needed. And the rate things are going I honestly don't know if I can even get that many Christmas gifts for people. Which is terribad cause I love giving gifts.  But I think it breaks my heart knowing that because of this circumstances, I am probably going to be the fogotten one who never achieved anything. It just seems to be the route that I am going down on.  Anyways,  That's my rant. <3 -Madi  post comment

Rocky Horror Drinking Game. [30 Aug 2011|12:47am] [ mood | amused ] This is for my visit in September with Anna. ROCKY HORROR AND ALCOHOL!?! Drink every time: Dancing occurs You see a motorcycle Janet mentions the rain Every time a song starts Every time Brad introduces himself by his full name Rocky says “ugh!” Columbia shrieks Rice/Confetti are thrown Someone dies Frank has sex with anyone Anyone dives into a swimming pool The dogs are heard barking Finish your drink every time: Frank changes his costume Magenta & Riff have ‘elbow sex’ The criminologist appears on screen Anyone smokes post comment

[19 Aug 2011|12:36am] [ mood | loved ] 60 Things That Are Happening Right Now  While You Are Reading This Page.   1. Somebody is very proud of you. 2. Somebody is thinking of you. 3. Somebody is caring about you. 4. Somebody misses you. 5. Somebody wants to talk to you. 6. Somebody wants to be with you. 7. Somebody hopes you aren't in trouble. 8. Somebody is thankful for the support you have provided. 9. Somebody wants to hold your hand. 10. Somebody hopes everything turns out all right. 11. Somebody wants you to be happy. 12. Somebody wants you to find him/her. 13. Somebody is celebrating your successes. 14. Somebody wants to give you a gift. 15. Somebody thinks that you ARE a gift. 16. Somebody hopes you're not too cold, or too hot 17. Somebody wants to hug you. 18. Somebody loves you. 19. Somebody admires your strength. 20. Somebody is thinking of you and smiling. 21. Somebody wants to be your shoulder to cry on. 22. Somebody wants to go out with you and have a lot of fun. 23. Somebody thinks the world of you. 24. Somebody wants to protect you. 25. Somebody would do anything for you. 26. Somebody wants to be forgiven. 27. Somebody is grateful for your forgiveness. 28. Somebody wants to laugh with you. 29. Somebody remembers you and wishes that you were there. 30. Somebody is praising God for you. 31. Somebody needs to know that your love is unconditional. 32. Somebody values your advice. 33. Somebody wants to tell you how much they care. 34. Somebody wants to share their dreams with you. 35. Somebody wants to hold you in their arms. 36. Somebody wants YOU to hold them in your arms. 37. Somebody treasures your spirit. 38. Somebody wishes they could STOP time because of you. 39. Somebody praises God for your friendship and love. 40. Somebody can't wait to see you. 41. Somebody loves you for who you are. 42. Somebody loves the way you make them feel. 43. Somebody wants to be with you. 44. Somebody wants you to know they are there for you. 45. Somebody is glad that you're his/her friend. 46. Somebody wants to be your friend. 47. Somebody stayed up all night thinking about you. 48. Somebody is alive because of you. 49. Somebody is wishing that you noticed him/her. 50. Somebody wants to get to know you better. 51. Somebody wants to be near you. 52. Somebody misses your advice/guidance. 53. Somebody has faith in you. 54. Somebody trusts you. 55. Somebody needs your support. 56. Somebody needs you to have faith in them. 57. Somebody will cry when they read this. 58. Somebody needs you to let them be your friend. 59. Somebody hears a song that reminds them of you. 60. Somebody needs you to send them this to them. post comment

Standing in the Deep. [01 Aug 2011|12:39am] [ mood | depressed ] So lately, It just seems like that I'm kinda here and all of my friends seem to be disappearing around me.  The people I once considered close within the past year seem to have left me for better things. I mean sure I have my boyfriend, but it seems like now I am no longer friendable. I really don't get. I mean, I'm not that close with my family even. So what does that leave me with? It's weird, but I used to be considered one of the guys. You know everyone comes to hang out and just be awesome. And than all of a sudden I got a boy, it's like because someone views me as a female that it can't be the same. Although to me, it really doesn't seem like things have changed.  But really nothing has changed other than the fact that I am seeing him weekly. That's about it. And just because of the distance between things, I can't really have him attend things. It's not that I am wanting to be a snob or selfish, it's just distance proves to be difficult for my love muffin.  It just upsets me that people would even think that way. And what bugs me even more is that slowly people will plan events and such, and I'm not included in that. It's weird, but anything like a birthday or something it doesn't seem like I am that important to be included. Yet, everyone else is far more important than myself. It kinda hurts a lot actually to think like that, but unfortunately that's the truth I have been noticing lately.  And I know that just means slowly the people who are considered to be true to me are more evident than others, right? I mean, somedays it's just  matter to find the ones who are worth fighting for.  Anyways, that's my midnight rambles. Love, -S post comment

Rolling in the Deep [25 Jul 2011|01:52am] [ mood | creative ] post comment

ZOMG [20 Jul 2011|12:41am] [ mood | pensive ] So last night I was sleeping at Derrek's and I saw the most frightful of things above us. Half asleep I saw a man with a hoodie over his head and a grin on his face. He had a piercing over his eyebrow and a very lean face. I practically jumped out of my bed as he startled me. There I sat, completely terrified for a brief moment as Derrek snored for a little bit and than was startled by my jump.  He asked me what was wrong. And I told him. By the time that we looked again, he was gone. Could it have been a ghost? Or my imagination? Honestly, I don't know, but he just seemed so pleased to see us together. It actually scared me quite a bit cause I unno, I do believe in Ghosts. But you never EVER expect to have one look at you. Honestly, I don't even know if Derrek thinks I'm nuts or antyhing. He merely held me closer and told me everything was going to be okay before the two of us fell asleep once more.  I have to admit I had never jumped so high in my life.  It was exciting and crazy all at the sametime. Perhaps I need to investigate this.  I unno, it just seems weird to me. Perhaps it's my belated Guardian Angel I asked for, or maybe it was a ghost. I really wish I knew. Anyways it's late, and I'm tired. <3 post comment

Online Palm Readings [17 Jul 2011|12:43am] [ mood | surprised ] So I totally am a believer of the new age kinda ordeal.  I went to onlinepalmreadings.com and did it. I found that it was rather accurate. Only thing I had an issue with was it thought that is says I'm materialistic. I dont' think I am at all... Anyways take a gander. ( Readings ) post comment

Family Vacation [10 Jul 2011|09:19pm] [ mood | sore ] So I finally went to a family reunion on my moms side after 3 years of not seeing them. And honestly, it wasn't as bad as I remembered. Sure they were all silly, and could be very opinionated, but they were still family. However, there is one thing that I noticed that really made me the overprotected sister.  One of my aunts sat around and was CONSTANTLY harrassing her and swearing at her for no apparent reason. I had my sister crying roughly about four times because it was just going to hard. And honestly, my sister isn't even that bad. She's pretty damn nifty. But lately, it seems like she has been getting the short end of the stick. And seriously, that bugs me. Especially seeing that she was telling her how bad she was even though she was doing shit tons. And what made it very maddening was the fact that it was my sister's birthday weekend and she was already upset that she didn't get to hang out with her friends. The poor gal, hopefully I'll be able to make it up to her some point in time soon. Also, my aunt's two kids aren't exactly the most mature children on the block. The eldest is going into greade seven and everyone believed that they were about 4 or 5 where his brother is going into grade four. When I was their age I was helping with dishes, writing, and finding things to do with my time. I was not excused from chores, I babysat, and was helping others, and played cards all by myself. It was just rather irratating seeing as all of a sudden a duoble standard had been created. Especially seeing as I spent a great deal of my vacation helping out with dishes even though I was sunburnt and was not feeling well at all because my stomach was not very happy (again). But I do have to admit I loved seeing my grandma again. She is such a hilarious woman from her dreams and always finidng ways to smile. It makes me sad knowing that she won't be with us very much longer, just because she is old and getting to that point. I can't even imagine my life without her. Just because she has quite litterally have always been there for my family and many others. She is litterally the only reason my family is still intacted. Otherwise, I am pretty sure if it wasn't for her we would not see any of my cousins or aunt or uncles. Sad, but it's so true. Plus we also are worried about my aunt who lives with her. Because she isn't married and we could only imagine how lonely she'll be. That's definitely nerve wrecking... :( Anyways, that's all I got.  Later folks  <3 post comment

Updates and Stomach [04 Jul 2011|09:14pm] [ mood | drained ] So I guess I should blog.  My life is kinda boring.  Nothing really much than stomach pains, work, and than going camping this weekend. The only thing that's really exciting is I guess I get to take Derrek to Stampede. :D Well I guess I might as well post something here, I think today shall be about my progress with my stomach. Apperently they don't know what is wrong with me. However, I have gone through multiple blood tests and ultra sounds. But apperently the sharp pains in my stomach are just something I'm going to have to deal with. I unno, I kinda which they would send me to a stomach expert or something to figure me out. Because really, I can't keep keeling over and being in pain with no cure. It fucking sucks. Anyways, I'll try to post something else later. -Madi post comment

Quotes [22 Jun 2011|10:19pm] These are just some quotes I find inspirational and lovely. ( Quote time :D ) post comment

Updates. [22 Jun 2011|10:00pm] [ mood | optimistic ] Well first of off I would like to apologize for the lack of updates.  I have been busy with life and figure I should finally get back on the ball with this thing. Because let's face it, my journal is pretty damn nifty. Next I would like to let you know that I have decided to change the setting to no longer being a FRIENDS ONLY JOURNAL. Why? Not many read it anyways so I figure some people I may know who don't have an account may want to read. So meh, might as well fix that. However, I am not going to go through all of my posts to fix it... If you want to read my old entries you will have to either add me as a friend or make an account. Sorry lol. So what's new?  Well if you are curious about the icon, I have now met a gent. He is very sweet and makes me feel very happy about who I am. His name is Derrek, and I found him on an Online Dating Site. I know, first of all everyone thinks about how bad those sites are, but honestly I don't have time to go out and find new people. Plus, I don't have the courage to go up to some hot ass boy and be like "DAMN U SO FINE", ya know? So, that's just that.  It was funny cause I was in the process of deleting my account... and than he messaged me.  We've been on three dates so far.  The first we went to a movie and dinner, and it also included some shopping as well which was super fun! Than the second one we went to was the Comic Expo, walked around downtown, and than watched movies at his house. Finally our third was just another casual day together at his place again.  He is a very tall dark, handsome young man, that I adore. But he makes me happy and I find him very good looking :D. Plus he has the same sense of humor as I do, which is even more strange. We have the same sort of emotional bagagge, and he even accepts and understands my own personal struggles that I have been for. He also thinks I am gorgeous for who I am and don't need to change a thing about myself. That never happens, normally I am flawed. But he finds me nothing short of perfect.  Anyways, that's kinda a brief update.  :D Hopefully I'll post later as well. :3 post comment

Pan-what? [01 Apr 2011|11:17pm] [ mood | impressed ] So recently, I decided to identify myself as a Pansexual. Kinda weird at first I thought, but than I figured...hey it makes sense in a way. Pansexuality is defined as “a sexual orientation, characterized by the potential for aesthetic attraction, romantic love, or sexual desire towards people, regardless of their gender identity or biological sex”. I have heard many people just say that this is just another way to describing a bisexual. But to be honest it is a lot more than that. Because to me, it’s almost like I don’t even see that they –have- a gender. I first discovered this when I thought of myself as a Bisexual at that strange coming of age part of your life. It was Junior High, and I was like “HEY! Girls are hot too. I think I like them”. But this became even clearer to me once I discovered that my first boyfriend was a girl who was dressed as a boy. Even though he/she was still dressed, I didn’t seem to mind the fact that he actually had a vagina. Than of course after that, I had my first innocent play partner of kisses, cuddles, and a bit of pain, who happened to be a girl. But thanks to her religious family who discovered our antics...that didn’t last very long. From there on, it seemed to be a constant switching of boyfriends and girlfriends. I didn’t mind being considered a Bisexual, but it almost didn’t sound right to me. Even the words seemed funny, especially since I had people were describing bis to be as “nothing but whores”. In fact, often I didn’t feel like admitting it to others when they asked. I was a little ashamed to even be considered a bisexual it seemed. It wasn’t till recently was I discovered while pleasuring myself to porn that I noticed something I found interesting. It was chicks with dicks. Now, I always thought they were weird, because I never seen one before. But I actually thought they were kinda sexy. Than it progressed, I began to imagine how hot it would be to have the chance to have tits and dick at the same time on a casual basis. Hell, I even began to see that Cross-dressers/Transsexuals were hot (Oh Tim Curry as Dr. FrankenFurter <3). So it was clear, that something was amiss with my sexual identity. After doing a bit of research on various sexual orientations, I than stumbled on Pansexual...and I just felt it click. It just made sense to me. To me, Pansexuality I don’t actually see the gender. I find everything else about the individual attractive rather than just “HE BOY SHE GIRL”. It could range from a smile to their legs and of course their personality. And with the way that I grew up and was raised, it seemed to be perfect as it was almost that feeling of accepting everyone, for who they are and the beauty that they possessed. And unlike when I thought I was bisexual, I actually feel proud to tell people that. I don’t feel like I need to be ashamed of it. I am so glad that now, I am able to come to terms with who I am a bit more and am able to actually make sense of what I didn’t understand before. <3 post comment

The Definition [04 Mar 2011|10:31pm] [ mood | loved ] From Urban Dictionary: Stacey is a shortening for the Greek name Anastasia, meaning; Rebirth, resurrection, etc. Staceys tend to be beautiful, geeky, and eccentric girls. She's not too flashy, not too preppy. But she doesn't throw on dirty clothes like she doesn't care. She's a little self conscious about her body, but that doesn't stop her smiles. She's positive, a great influence on others around her, and you know that someday, she'll be a great mother. But be careful of her temper. She doesn't lose it often, but once you cross the line, she freaks. Other spellings are Stacy, Staci, and Stacee.     Sometimes I need to remember this <3 post comment

Holy Eff. [07 Feb 2011|12:49pm] [ mood | hungry ] Yeah, I know it's been awhile... But this is possibly the craziest thing ever that I want to write about. So, first things first. I confess this was the worst idea ever. But I figured out of natural curiousity to try it. Because it wouldn't be fair to have an opinion about it without trying it first. So anyways, if you haven't guessed I got high off of weed for the first time yesterday. Yeah, okay not as crazy as it sounds cause it's a modern thing in our day and age. And when I have kids I want to be truthful with them, so that I have some knowledge base of what I want to do. And quite frankly it was possibly the world's most terrifying experience ever. First of all, everything was constantly spinning in circles in an ever going motion. Round and round, and even so once in awhile it would just be things were vibrating. Than I felt as though I was falling all the time, I didn't want to move or something terrible was going to happen. Like in Alice in wonderland and when she tumbles down the rabbit hole, and there was nothing to hold onto. I was nothing short of terrified, to the point where I froze and  couldn't move, I wanted to scream. And I couldn't even ask for help cause I was too scared. Than there was the fact that every feeling that I had blocked out, every insecurity, everything that I was playing numb too I had been hit at all at the same time. Like I was the most useless person in the world, and there was no way to even stop it. That nobody liked me, that it was the end of the world, how different I am compared to everyone else and that nobody fucking cares about me or my existence, and that the only people who did are long gone now cause I messed up. And just the uneasiness of it all and feeling like my life didn't matter and that I should have played with traffic. Of course, that didn't even include that fact that when I looked in the mirror and became nothing short of just being an ugly ass fuck. I wasn't pretty, and I wasn't anything. I just wasn't worth living anymore and that once I hit the bottom that would be that. I even remember breaking down in tears  constantly saying how sorry I was. And I even made a phone call to a person or two trying to ask for forgiveness. Thankfully, that nobody answered those calls. Cause I would have made an ass hole out of myself than. But I think what made it worse was the fact that nobody was there to help me. It was just me, falling constantly downwards, and there was nobody there to catch me as I fell. But rather they basically all sat around, drank my alcohol and take advantage of me. Nobody cared what happened to me. I was just there, being. There were some moments were it almost even felt like I was at the center of the universe. But than it quickly turned to that terrified feeling of my life falling a part. Anyways, that was the journey I had. I honestly don't think I will EVER do that again considering how scared I got and how fucked up it made me. But it also did give me quite a rude awakening on the things that I need to figure out in my life. And yeah. Now I find food. -S post comment

Will I Be Pretty? [30 Jan 2011|05:39pm] Pretty by Katie Makkai When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother, “What will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be pretty? Will I be pretty? What comes next? Oh right, will I be rich?” Which is almost pretty depending on where you shop. And the pretty question infects from conception, passing blood and breath into cells. The word hangs from our mothers' hearts in a shrill fluorescent floodlight of worry. “Will I be wanted? Worthy? Pretty?” But puberty left me this funhouse mirror dryad: teeth set at science fiction angles, crooked nose, face donkey-long and pox-marked where the hormones went finger-painting. My poor mother. “How could this happen? You'll have porcelain skin as soon as we can see a dermatologist. You sucked your thumb. That's why your teeth look like that! You were hit in the face with a Frisbee when you were 6. Otherwise your nose would have been just fine! “Don't worry. We'll get it fixed!” She would say, grasping my face, twisting it this way and that, as if it were a cabbage she might buy. But this is not about her. Not her fault. She, too, was raised to believe the greatest asset she could bestow upon her awkward little girl was a marketable facade. By 16, I was pickled with ointments, medications, peroxides. Teeth corralled into steel prongs. Laying in a hospital bed, face packed with gauze, cushioning the brand new nose the surgeon had carved. Belly gorged on 2 pints of my blood I had swallowed under anesthesia, and every convulsive twist of my gut like my body screaming at me from the inside out, “What did you let them do to you!” All the while this never-ending chorus droning on and on, like the IV needle dripping liquid beauty into my blood. “Will I be pretty? Will I be pretty? Like my mother, unwrapping the gift wrap to reveal the bouquet of daughter her $10,000 bought her? Pretty? Pretty.” And now, I have not seen my own face for 10 years. I have not seen my own face in 10 years, but this is not about me. This is about the self-mutilating circus we have painted ourselves clowns in. About women who will prowl 30 stores in 6 malls to find the right cocktail dress, but haven't a clue where to find fulfillment or how wear joy, wandering through life shackled to a shopping bag, beneath those 2 pretty syllables. About men wallowing on bar stools, drearily practicing attraction and everyone who will drift home tonight, crest-fallen because not enough strangers found you suitably fuckable. This, this is about my own some-day daughter. When you approach me, already stung-stayed with insecurity, begging, “Mom, will I be pretty? Will I be pretty?” I will wipe that question from your mouth like cheap lipstick and answer, “No! The word pretty is unworthy of everything you will be, and no child of mine will be contained in five letters. “You will be pretty intelligent, pretty creative, pretty amazing. But you, will never be merely 'pretty'.” post comment

Curiouser and Curiouser... [17 Oct 2010|12:32am] [ mood | awake ] Why is it... That it feels like I am constantly having to fight to keep everyone around and yet... Nobody ever fights to keep me around. It's like if they loose me it's not a big deal. Very interesting mind processes. post comment

Numb... [12 Oct 2010|11:17pm] [ mood | numb ] Honestly... It's like having your heart ripped out. Loosing someone that you love. Especially when it's your own fault, and you know that there is no way to get them back. You can say whatever you want, but when your words are the ones who did the harm, than it's a matter of your actions. However, what actions can one have left than the other complete submission. Lately, I have been fasting it seems, constantly having a numb sensation. I have even been tempted to just all it an end. But that would be a sign of weakness... I'm scared to ask for help. Cause I'm supposed to figure this out by myself. But I'm not smart or anything of the sort... What am I supposed to do? post comment

Status Update [02 Oct 2010|10:44pm] [ mood | intimidated ] [ music | Wonderboy- Tenacious D ] So... It's been awhile since I updated! Well lemme give you the straight up facts. I finally managed to get my butt to Florida for one whole week! How did it go? Well I think it was a lot of fun! There were things such as making new friends, and meeting the mysterious Chris face to face. Honestly, I couldn't have asked for a better holiday. But of course, now I have the added paranoia of does he hate me now. Why? Because I haven't talked to him since. That's a scary factor to be honest. But nevertheless, I may not be helping my case as I have been just sending him hellos and wishing him good things. Why? Because he is my brother and that's what I do. :) Unfortunately I don't have a job right now, and besides that there is a sad little downfall included with all of this. It's October. For me, this is my Friday the Thirteenth. Since for as long as I could remember, nothing good ever comes with this month. That includes having deaths, ends of friendships, and all the sorts. So I'm a little scared that something big is going to happen and that I am not going to be ready for it. But I'm tough... I can do this. Well anyways, just felt like giving you an update. Much love <3 post comment

[24 Jul 2010|08:56am] Also This... XD post comment

The Ideal Beauty [07 May 2010|10:36am] [ mood | scared ] So I started watching this show on youtube called Supersize vs. Superskinny. It's a show about eating disorders/habits. So what they do is take a morbidly obese person and than an anorexic person and make them switch meals for a week as they live together in a "feeding facility". It's supposed to help them learn how to eat better in someways. But what I thought was scary was the anorexics. Some of them came on and I actually stopped and went "There's nothing wrong with them. They are beautiful." My example is this girl here. Her name is Pita, and I thought she was the prettiest thing I have ever seen. I didn't think she was too skinny at all! Personally, I thought she was the ideal size. Granted, she doesn't eat too good. But body wise, she was perfect. Okay, before you say anything, I agree this isn't the most flattering picture of her. lol And than it hit me. Even myself, I don't have an realistic view of what is a normal size. Cause quite frankly I thought that she was fine. But than they went into what was wrong with her, and how she needed to fix her eating habits before she ended up dead from heart problems and what not. Honestly, it scares me a little bit to think that I even have that mentality. I understand that media has a big part to do with it, but honestly this really isn't what it should be. I mean, when I was watching it I had this mentality of being like "I WOULD KILL TO BE LIKE THAT". Man, I know I'm not the skinniest thing out there, hell I should probably be on that show too. But I think I need to find my own personal views on what is supposed to be the ideal weight and not have an extreme mentality. And what was worse was this small segment in it that drove me bananas. They had this one woman on the show who was an average size. And yet she was sitting there saying she had  a jelly belly when she didn't and was trying to find quick fixes for it. That made me sick. Honest to god, sick to my stomach. I hate it when people who are thin actually do that. I really do, cause it doesn't even make me feel better about myself. Cause really at that point it's like "I am fat, and that makes you a whale." Because, I have six times bigger than them. And yet, when I admit that I am fat, people tell me no. What the fuck? It's true though. I have to shop in the plus sizes and I would give my right arm to be a skinny mini. I think I need to figure out this whole mental thing first though. Because I am scared I am going to loose the weight, and than go too thin so that I will be as beautiful as the women who were on that show. And yes, there were some walking skeletons. Those ones I didn't find attractive. It was the ones who were thin, but about 2 bmi short, like Pitta. Man... I'm fucked. post comment

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